exam!

i only have 4 days left before the final examination. good. it means i can go back home after a half year over here. too many to read. and my gastric keep attacking me especially at nights. huh. fuck exam.

sigh..

the sky seems so dark, and my heart is full of sorrow. i wish God would give me some happiness. thinking of u is not the thing that i love to do. i used to, but now i really hope i wouldn't thought of u anymore. how could i possibly forget about u when all of these times u were the one who can make me happy and cry for the next minute? please.. just go.. i am alone in this thing since the first place. u were never there to comfort me. so let me alone fighting all this, i already used to it without u by my side..

empty cans

i may not be perfect, everyone's not perfect. but i'm trying my best to be myself. i don't wanna be a FAKE. just like a hard cold plastic, they don't have any feelings. if u wanna be a fake person, at least u know how to do that. if not, u just might hurt others. seeing ur fake expression whenever u tell them "Oh u look so cute", "I love ur dress" and blah blah blah is just make others annoying, others who realize that u'r not saying those words from the bottom of ur heart.

and i just can watch u do it over and over again. *sigh*

just one thing, if u being fake with me, i'm gonna do the same thing. only worst. so from now on, u better watch ur mouth, think first before talk. do not talk with empty head. someone told me u talk just like empty cans.

just a thought

okay, i know i did not blogging recently. i just don't feel like wanna blogging. anyway, nothing special today that makes me wanna blog something. i just feel wanna blogging, that's all. haha. haiyo. so lame oww. i blogging whenever i feel like i want to. it's fine with me.

o ya, exam is coming soon, it's on next week to be exact. and like usual, this brain of mine still not functioning well to absorb all the notes. duh. how am i gonna survive in this. i'm always sleep in class, not paying attention and always got blur. kotoh.
i'm the kind who will study at the very last minute, and when that thing happen, my head feel like wanna explode. i can't help it. i can't study early. it ain't working on me. cuz i will easily forget everything back if i read early. my my... i wish i had some tools to fix my head.

it's time to wipe away all the dust from my notes. luckily it haven't reach 1 inch, i still can wipe it easily. meaning i did touch my notes mah... touch only la.. hehe. and now i can feel like my head is spinning around, maybe because i have took two mugs of coffee, and actually, am just wake up. hehe. there's still lot more to read of, haihhh.... see, know how to sigh but don't know how to change. lazy pig. =.='

o ya... suddenly i remember. there was something special happened. one of my friend, whose i said never want to keep in touch with me anymore, suddenly contact me back and said sorry for everything. God i'm so happy. i prayed for that thing every night to happens, that she will forgive me. and yes, God has opened up her heart for me, to accept me as a friend again. :):)
i think i have blogged about her last month or last few months. everything's back to normal, my life seems happier cuz i'm feeling ok. at least for now. :)

i wish everything will be ok. i mean, everything. i love myself. :)

always be

Everyday i think of you.
Everyday you cross my mind.
Everyday i see something that reminds me of you.
Everyday i'm missing you.
Everyday i wish you were mine.
Everyday i wonder what could of been.
Everyday i think of why you did this.
& everyday i'm getting stronger.
Everyday i'm moving on.
But everyday i'll always miss you.

a day with my mopongousszzz friends :)

wooooaaaahhhhh!!! during last 27th of August, i have spent the whole day with my mopongou friends. it was holiday, i wasn't sure for what but one of my friend told me it was for Nuzul al-Quran. hehehe.

Okay, that night i was so tired, arrived at college around 10p.m something, and by 12a.m i was so sleepy already. so, i didn't manage to blogging about what had happened that day. hehe. Since it's an off day, we decided to go to Berjaya Times Square (BTS), for Cosmo!!! hahaha! this has been planning since the early of this month and the mind master is Sharon Cordelia a.k.a Corry. hahaha! we asked everybody to come, and till yesterday, we actually were not sure how many of us will go and play.

just arrived at Sungai Buloh KTM station =)

at Berjaya Times Square. :D

:D

at Cosmo World:D

there were about 15 of us (it was 20 at first, and the rest were not interested to play at Cosmo), and we had a lot of fun at Cosmo World. hahaha! OMG. i've never been in there, and the 1st game we played was the Roller Coaster. Only God knows how i felt that time, and also the rest who never been through it. It was awesome but i can't held my head up and look in front. i just, hehehe... and now i am not so sure about our plan playing roller coaster at Genting Highlands... grrrr~~~
and after that we tried the Purple Space Attack! it's like a big swing, and can have many swingers on it, hahaha. it is purple in colour, maybe that's where it got its name. dammit... i didn't know it's gonna swing 360 degrees!!! i thought that giant swing will just swing to front and backward like the usual swing... but it wasn't like that and i'm never gonna ride on that again! yerrrr~~~ but, i enjoyed looking at Ald's expression through the swing swing time. hahahaha! his legs were all the times on my seat. creditssss to San, Sis Corry, Nel, and Masol for being so brave, took the front seats. hahahahaha! how u guys feeling that time? :P
not so enough swinging, we tried the DNA Mixer. and guys, i tell u. i didn't know it's gonna be so crazy, stupid game and i hate it. hahahaha. but i enjoyed it with my friends. it has two lines of seats, and then it's gonna swing u back and forth just like it's name; DNA Mixer, which means HELIX!!! and so, this was the game that i really surrender, i was scared till death! i can't take any risk being on it anymore. no, hell no. and what was really funny is that we were singing Baa Baa Black Sheep and Twinkle2 Little Star during spinning and swinging on it. hahahaaha! kunun2 mau kasi hilang takut. sampai ada orang p rakam lg bah. hahahhhahaha!! that was so funny and i'm sure everyone will not forget about it.


this is the Ulat Bulussssss. Sis Corry, Masol, Daryl, Noel and Helbert ride it for the 2nd time. I enjoyed riding on it, it was okay but this one makes me throw out~
citt.. oh yeah, u guys wanna know why? we got double. usually they will only spin like 10 rounds at a time, but we got double. tu pekerja saja bh mo kasi kena~~~


after that Sis Corry, San and me tried the Sutung2, San almost vomit. haha! and we also tried the Car Bumps (i didn't know what its name). we tried almost all games including the Merry Go Round! LOL! basically it is for children, but then it's okay to be children once a while. hahaha! like the old times. =)

us. :)

i'm not really sure bout this one. we just call it, train. hahahahha! and we got so excited when passing through the tunnel, our clothes were like glow in the dark. LOL kesian bh urang kampung. XD

After a few round of games at Cosmo, we finally decided to go for some meal. starving! hehe! sengaja x mau makan awal, nt tmuntah. hahaha! and so, we went to Johnny's!!!

ordering times! :D

Gaman, me and Jet.:D





Nel, San and Yong. :)

waiting for our foods. yummy! :D:D

foods are ready. praying time. oh Daryl! Ko curi spotlight! x focus pray. hahahahaha! XDXD

yam seng!!!!! :D:D

after having some nice meals, we separated to find our own stuffs. I was with Jet, Yong, and Ald. The others were playing bowling and the rest were watching Vampire Sucks. hahaha! after that, we all get back together, and went back to hostel together.

memories. :) :)

:) :)

muka c Ald blurrrr ni. hahaha!

in KTM already. Going back. :)

we were joking all the times in train. i think the whole train got annoyed by us. :P

my mopongou friends. =)

ok that's all peeps! hehe. i really hope we can hang out again next time, like this. hehe. i also wanna hang out with some of my old friends, especially my friends from high school and matrix. =) i'd just love this day, this lovely day when we still hanging around together. i will miss all of them later. =)

Confuse!

headache! headache! headache! paracetamol! anyone?
i am so confused right now... what should i do? i can't simply say "yes".

God tell me what to do. i wish all of these were as just simple as abc. *sigh*

not much!

-went to gathering at St. Lourdes Chapel.
-do Mr. Jacky Wacky's assigment.
-chatting, fb-ing etc.
-nothing else???? my life get boring and boring each day.

i'm off to dreamland. zzZZzz~

Unchain My Misery...

a long of period time has passed..
but seasons of loneliness haven't last..
still my heart aches for the memory..
that was once shared between u and me..

countless night have spent longing for u..
i have tried everything to fight this foe..
i know it's over. i have to let u go..
but my heart can't cuz i still love u so..

u still buried deep inside of me..
can't breath! please unchain my misery..
i have really love u whole-heartedly..
but now i have to set these things free..

u'll forever be a part of my entity..
but now u belong in my history..
i don't want to be always holding on..
i have my own life now, i have to moving on..

the last good bye.

i called my friend just now... a friend of mine... very close to me before... and i dont know how and why we ended up our friendship in this way... unhappy, miserable and lot of things that cant be mentioned... she said, "don't call me, text me, contact me anymore...". and since that was the last call, i talked to her till late at night. it was a comfortable and warm conversation. no hates in each other. it was like, we suddenly forgot what has been said a few minutes before; about forgetting and never keep in touch anymore... how wonderful if we keep continue in that way my friend. i'm really grateful u accepted me back as ur friend, thanks God, even though after this i might not hear ur voice again, and u'll never see me again. it's like we are living in two different worlds. i miss talking to u, i miss every single moment we had shared together my friend. i cant afford to lose u. u mean the world to me. i dont wanna lose any of my friend including u. so, thanks for accepting my apologies, i wish u nothing but happiness in ur life. i'm so sorry for everything. Take care and good bye. =)

in loving memory of a friend...

i stole this pic from ur profile's pic in friendster. hehe :)


Calvin Kabincong; it's been a year since he left us forever to see God. he was a very good friend. and yet before i could know more about him, he was already gone and never will coming back. the fact that he will never coming back is the fact that no one can change. it's a saddening fact but there's nothing we can do about it. all that's left to do is just pray for his soul, may he rest in peace up there.
i'll cherish every moment we had spent together. i still remember all ur tricks and ur jokes even though we only had a year spent together. i wish everyone who knows him especially his family and close friends will be strong and i believe he will always be in every one's heart though he's not here anymore. he's not that far when he's in our hearts, right? i'll pray for u my dear friend, i know that someday we'll meet up again in another place and time. God's will. we will always miss u here, and hope u are just fine over there. we'll keep on living for u. u will always be remembered. =)

Loving an Imperfect Person

They have been married for two years. He loves literature and often posts his work on the net, but nobody ever reads them. He is also into photography and he handles their wedding photos. He loves her very much. Likewise with her. She has a quick temper and always bullies him. He is a gentleman and always gives in to her.

Today, she's being willful again.

Her: "Why can't you be the photographer for my friend's wedding? She promised she'd pay."
Him: "I don't have time that day."
Her: "Humph!"
Him: "Huh?"
Her: "Don't have time? Write less of those novels, and you will have all the time you need."
Him: "I... someone will definitely recognize my work some day."
Her: "Humph! I don't care, you'll have to do it for her!"
Him: "No."
Her: "Just this once?"
Him: "No."

Negotiation's broken. So, she gave the final warning: "Give me a Yes within three days, or else..."

First day, she "withheld" the kitchen, bathroom, computer, refrigerator, television, hi-fi... Except the double bed, to show her "benevolence".

Of course, she has to sleep on it too. He didn't mind, as he still has some cash in his pockets.

Second day, she conducted a raid and removed everything from his pockets and warned, "Seek any external help, and you bear the consequences."

He's nervous now. That night, on the bed, he begs for mercy, hoping that she'll end this state. She doesn't give a damn. No way am I giving in, whatever he says. Until he agrees.

Third day, night. On the bed. He's lying on the bed, looking to one side. She's lying on the bed, looking to the other side.

Him: "We need to talk."
Her: "Unless it's about the wedding, forget it."
Him: "It's something very important."

She remains silent.

Him:"Let's get a divorce."
She did not believe her ears.
Him: "I got to know a girl."

She's totally angry, and wanted to hit him. But she held it down, wanting to let him finish. But her eyes already felt wet. He took a photo out from his chest. Probably from his undershirt pocket, that's the only place she didn't go through yesterday. How careless.

Him: "She's a nice girl."
Her tears fell.

Him: "She has a good personality too."
She's heartbroken because he puts a photo of some other girl close to his heart.
Him: "She says that she'll support me fully in my pursue for literature after we got married."

She's very jealous because she said the same thing in the past.
Him: "She loves me truly."
She wishes to sit up and scream at him "Don't I?"
Him: "So, I think she won't force me to do something that I don't want to do."

She's thinking, but the rage won't subside.
Him: "Want to take a look at the photo I took for her?"
Her: "...!"

He brings the photo before her eyes. She's in a total rage, hits his hand away and leaves a burning slap on his face.

He sighs. She cries.
He puts the photo back to his pocket. She pulls her hand back under the blanket.

He turns off the light, and sleeps. She turns on the light, and sits up. He's asleep. She lost sleep. She regrets treating him the way she treated him.

She cried again, and thought about a lot of things. She wants to wake him up. She wants to have a intimate talk with him. She doesn't want to push him anymore. She stares at his chest. She wants to see how the girl looks.

She slips the photo out. She wanted to cry and she wanted to laugh.

It's a nicely taken photo. A photo he took for her. She bends down, and kissed him on his cheek.

He smiled. He was just pretending to be asleep.

"You learn to love, not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."
=)

sigh~~

*sigh*... i'm just damn boring right now.. but there's something that keep bothering me, and i can't figure it out. i have washed my clothes, i had my dinner, hmm what's the thing that i could possibly forgot? i don't know but still i feel so uneasy.. ngee.. i wonder what is it. anyway, weekend is over and tomorrow i'm going back to class with my friends, with the same routines. huh... it's kinda boring, and ughh! something is missing and i don't have any idea what is it. maybe it's just my stupid feeling. huh.. let it be. my sister said, if someone annoyed u, say this to them "FOCUS". it means F*ck Off Coz U're Stupid. hahaha. the next time people make u annoyed, remember to say FOCUS with a smile. :D :D LOL. :D
i love it btw.

after this am going to sleep early. maybe. i don't know.
p/s: to someone, i really wanna talk to u. i miss u. haha. :D :D

hmm~

it's already August... time flies so fast.. *sigh*. exam is coming soon, i still my with my old lazy attitude. my.. why do i have to learn about law this time. i never even think of becoming a lawyer coz i'm not interested in laws. but the thing is, my job to be is not a lawyer, it's an Inspector Health. which i know not many people like us as we are often shut down their food premises. but hey, it's for ur own good okay. don't blame us. would u like to eat at places which are dirty, full of flies and smelly? well i don't.
there's nothing much to update. everyday is the same. yesterday was today and today was yesterday. nothing much in progress. oh ya, it's ramadhan month. meaning it's fasting time. i've been fasting once, when i was in kmhell with my muslim friends. it was such a good experience. i still remember how i felt on the first day i tried to fast. hahaha. it was an unforgettable moments. i love it when we bersungkai together. oh my... i miss them. :'(
huhu... about my life here now, i think so far it is okay.. even though sometimes i feel the pressure really hard pushing me to the ground.. things get harder but i will try my best. shits happen right. it's okay.

FAKE COLD PLASTIC

a story of a cold hard plastic.
who always think she is right. nothing is wrong with her. if she did wrong, just put the blame on the others. u can't really believe what this plastic told u, even if she said u r beautiful, u look pretty, cute and everything, but she can't hide her fake expression whenever she saying those words. how could she be so heartless? oh, i forgot. she's a plastic.
i'm telling u dear plastic, u can't stay in this way. people who u thinks are on ur side are actually hating u in a very invisible way. they are smiling, but the fact is they are hurt because of ur words. u can't expect them to agree everything that u say. it's nonsense. i know, coz they told me.
and now i'm trying hard not to hate u, coz hatred make sins. i hope u will realize it someday that this world is not revolve around u alone. we are all together in this.

huhuhuhu

eeeee i'm in college already. just coming back this early month. i miss my hometown, i miss my mum n dad, i miss my crazy younger brothers, i miss my cats, i miss my neighbour (opss), i miss makanan rumah, wawawawa. baru masuk sem 3, lamanya lagi di sini~~~~ i really hope can get place for practical at SABAH oww!!! sa x mau praktikal sini............. no i don't want. 1 year practical at here will kill me slowly. my my my...

o ya, i'm having my futsal match today. i don't know why but this time the match is kinda boring~ huhu. aigoo i want to write more but i feel so sleepy eh...

hey hey~~

hai2! it's been a long time since my last post. i am currently having my practical at Beluran, and will be ended by tomorrow! wahahaha i feel so good and relief that it will be ended soon. 2 weeks of practical is just killing me somehow. And then i will be back to my college on 2th July, huh~ can't enjoy anymore. and my report is not done yet. Not much things had happened during this holiday. It's just an ordinary holiday. O ya, i joined the Unduk Ngadau for the first time in my life. God, i was shaking on the stage. haha. my my.. it was a good experience after all. hehe. ok, i have to go. this evening got premises to be surveyed. hihi. tata~

take off~

oh yeah! i will not on9-ing for 1 month coz i have suspended my broadband for 1 month due to my fucking exam that will coming soon. huh! haha but still here i am, updating my blog, i borrowed my friend's bband. dess... btw, on the 24th april 2010, i was having dinner with my class Al-Farabi, and even though the foods were not really delicious (for me), still it was a nice dinner that we had. oh ya, the pics u can see direct through my facebook, but i have not uploaded mine yet. ngeee. will upload the pics soon. ok. i think that's enough for now. i want to sleep. hehe =)

i need someone who really listening to me!!!

can i find someone who really listening to every little thing that i said? even though maybe it's just a small little tiny matter to u, but it's big and important to me. it's a BIG matter to me. ya la, sy tau la sy sepa. unimportant person in ur life. bh ya la... to u, i'm just a useless person who talking craps all the time. sometimes, i really can't understand u. u are so unpredictable. u r lucky i love u. my friend has share a thought to me today when i told him that it's good to have someone who really listening to me, at least i have one today (but it's not u). he said, "Love all, trust a few, and do wrong to no one". huh... i wish i can follow that.

miss my little star~

=)

nothing much to be updated. this blog is just about my life, and i have nothing special to share today. final exam is just around the corner, meaning i will gone crazy soon. never mind, it is just an exam anyway. what's there to be afraid of? haha punya tembirang sa ni. =)

i miss my little star again. wish i can go back to times where all things were still normal. i wish i was opening my eyes that time, seeing ur pics, and not fall in love with u. why am i so stupid by closing my eyes that time. maybe i just didn't want to lose that feeling. and now, i'm stuck with this unexplainable feeling. and can't get away from it.
haha... don't mind about what i have wrote just now. i know no people understand it. i'm just babbling over here. =)

wish the best for everything in my life. i love my little star. =)

i am a girl with pride

ok, this is my opinion, from a perspective of a girl. yesterday, 1 of my friend said, "why do they have to be so obsessed about that sexual harassment thingy?" OMG. for God's sake, u r a girl my dear friend. please, if u don't want to stand for women's right it's ok (fuck u) but please do not think that every one is thinking the same like u. u said "the guys touch me like this pun me x kisah?" shit! that is u! we r not cheap like u! I AM NOT CHEAP LIKE U (note the word cheap once again). kalau mau open minded pun, ada batasan jg. bukan suka hati mau bagi guys sentuh2 ur body. again, u r a GIRL. omg, correct me if i'm wrong. do not make me hate u once again. i lost my respect to u before, and it seems after i rebuilt it back, it's gonna blow once again. u want sampai u kena rogol ka baru u mau shut up? don't talk like u know everything bout girls and boys because u don't! obviously. yesterday u talked about our "obsess" (fuck u again) with a guy and u know what he said? he doesn't support u at all. that's a shame u know. shame on u. SHAME ON U!!! u said u terus terang punya orang kan? so why talk behind us? come see us face2face and tell us, apa yg u x puas hati. bkn u yg kena molest worr, so u don't know. u really doesn't look like a bitch, and i can't understand how can u look this matter as simple as ABC? u r more caring towards the guys yg molest2 org than the victims. what's wrong with ur fishy head? i am so damn mad at u right now. UNGKIT LAGI! why u wanna ungkit balik ni perkara? i thought we already done? and ya, i wonder why u sibuk2 hal org? bkn u yg kena molest. go get a life bitch friend! wah lao... u really pissed me off. shit.

annoying

i am really ANNOYED by some people lately.
feeling stress and sometimes wondering how STUPID they can be?
i have my own life, u also have yours.
why don't u just let me live my life peacefully,and u live ur life the way u want?
just, stop and shut up the craps okay?
wtf~

Slow Tears

I look up
as a tear rolls slowly
down my cheek
I think about better days
and wonder if I'll feel that way again
you look at me
with those eyes I know so well
always serious, so deep and insightful
as though you're always in control
But not today
not now
Now you look so scared
like for once you don't have the answer
I gaze at you
looking deep into those hazel eyes
Hoping to understand
why you've said those things you did
I wonder for a moment
if this is all a dream
if I shall wake in the morning
and be relieved
you look at me
with a confusion I have never seen
slowly pull me towards you
and wipe the tears from my cheek

class, going out, NFS again

today i woke up at 1.19p.m... miahahaha! straight took my shower and go to class. masih mamai2 lg ni sampai di class. haha. got many tips from en. lee for summative exam later. good2~ and then me, san, pypee and ijet went to The Store @ Milimewah hahaha. JK k. that amoy said my NFS couldn't be opened because i installed it in C drive. wtf. how am i suppose to know that. and then ijet got her second time piercing. haha. kinda fun and exciting to see her takut2 face. haha. LOL =)

i think i have lied to a person today... biar lah dia x kisah jg tu. let me keep this alone. but, i'm not pilling on my agony okay? it's just, hmm, let time heals everything.

ok now i'm fixing my NFS wtf again, hopefully after this i can have a little fun with it. i need something to make me happy. please please please~~~

class, lappy, ticket, pkd, wtf

huh... i can't sleep, again... today we will have class with en. lee for pelupusan kumbahan's topic. after class maybe we go straight to The Store (haha more like milimewah in sabah) to fix my lappy (uhu...actually i can't open my NFS wtf), and also for the dress...omg i'm going to wear a dress for our class dinner at Saujana-forgot-its-name on 24th this month... last time i wore a dress for dinner function was on 2007 at sutera harbour (sabah jg ba yg best hahaha). later wanna find heels lg. omg heels hahaha. hopefully i will not falling down that night. eeeeuuwww... they changed the tagline. it supposed to be "An Evening to Remember" but they changed it into "Nightfall of Remembrance". haiz...

i miss my home. argh! sabar casey 1 bulan lg...eee... i really hate it that i can't change my attachment at Beluran's PKK. yaikss... i don't wanna go to PKD sandakan for God's sake... 2 weeks?? i'm going to stay at sandakan for 2 weeks, by myself, alone and so pathetic. after a stressful holiday have to go back to hell college. sudah lah balik bulan 5 ni sy slh beli tiket. I'M GOING BACK ALONE THIS SEM!!!

lalalala~~ biar lah... Miss my Little Star...<3

dizzy...
heartache...
headache...
haiz...

wtf u think u perfect meh?

you are not PERFECT too so don't talk about other people's weaknesses. i just hate the way you talk about it, and hey beyotch friend, you aren't perfect too. so wake up, don't think that everybody's around u is like whatever u say. their hair colors are the same, but their hearts are different. open ur eyes widely, and u'll see how many people hate ur bullshitness that u've created. remember, the world doesn't revolve around u only. please please please look urself at ur mirror, ask urself are u perfect enough to talk other's weaknesses. don't get to excited with urself coz someday, somehow, u will have ur turn where people staring at u and whispering to each other. aha! and oh yeah, do not simply pass over ur fault to someone else okay. it's not nice. it's really bitchy u know. ok, i'm enough. suit urself while waiting for ur turn. hooooo wtf.

p/s: do not talk about my friends like "that" anymore. u might become my next punching bag. :)

actually i'm suppose to revise my food tech right now; tomorrow got test oww. it will be counted as our carry marks. huhu... today got microbiology's exhibition for 2nd sem IK's student. huuuu.... haven't read any note to present later... ngee~ moron.
i feel so sleepy (padahal masih sempat ni tulis blog lol), and i think i will just start reading my food tech today, if got free time during the exhibition. ngeee~~ i called my mum just now, and talked to my brothers. i rarely see them, but i don't miss them much. but still, i miss them. hehe... sot. im thinking about my next allowance. what my plan is... haven't arrange my budget yet. it's not even two weeks from my last allowance last month, i'm already run out of money. kuang3. apa jg yg sy beli ni taw. kuat makan... gosh i really need to control my eating habit, i'm getting bigger day after day!~~~~

i don't love u

why u don't get it.
i said i don't have any feeling for u, i just love u as a friend. not more.
please... i'm in the same condition in forgetting the one that i truly love, so please...
do not say i don't understand how u feel.
i don't wanna hurt ur feelings anymore.
let's start a new life.
open a new book, new page, and write new stories...
i hope u can find someone else better than me...
God bless u.

Happy Easter!!!

it's weekend again. but this weekend is not the same like other weekends. it's a HOLY WEEKEND!! yeah! Easter is coming. Happy Easter to everyone who celebrating it. anyway, tomorrow am going to church. hehe. last night my friends and i also went to church, Light of Christ Church at Kepong. this is my first time attending a sunset mass for Good Friday cuz at Sabah the mass for Good Friday usually start at 3pm. anyway, it still a mass for Good Friday, so it doesn't matter. =) Have a blessing Easter and may God bless us. =)

earth hour?

Earth Hour this year was not so fun compare to last year. i celebrated the day with Khairiah, and we had fun although there was just the 2 of us. running with our cams and phones, snapping pics and screamed like crazy people. ha ha ha. luckily KML supported the earth hour, except for mak cik cafe yg sangat kedekut. huh! i am having my final revise for my mid sem exam so i can't put off my light for long. but, actually i did, hehe. and i went to my friend's room for hour (40 mins to be exact). huh... my my my... i hate exams. but it's the only way we can show that we understand every little thing the lecturer taught in class. is it really the only way???

what a moron new standard the college introduced! if failed any subject, have to sit for viva. if got an A, excellent like hell still need to sit for viva!!!!
my gosh! IF I NEEDED TO SIT FOR IT (IN THIS CASE I HOPE I GOT A), I WANT THE COLLEGE TO PAY FOR MY FLIGHT'S FARE!!! the nearest place to sit for viva ------> KUCHING.
sot!!!

i love and hate u.

i love u for all the things that we have done together.
i love u for every word u have spoken to me.
i love u for being such a lovely person to me.
i love u for being so nice with me.
i love u for always smiling to me.
i love u for always tell me the truth.
i love u for let me hold u for a moment.
i love u for being a caring person to me...( r u? )
i love u for making me smile the whole day.
i love it how u brighten my day just by a "Good Morning" message.
i love u for making my heart beats faster every time u came near me.
i love u for making me loving u so much.
i hate u for making me feel like i was ur special one.
i hate u for being so far from me.
i hate u for making me cry.
i hate u for breaking my heart.
i hate u for making me feel like i was the only one.
i hate u for ever playing with my heart.
i hate u for never being there for me.
i hate u for making me sleep "silentless" every night.
i hate it when u'r looking into my eyes and i can't do the same.
i hate it when u'r looking for me but u never really mean it.
i hate it when u r the first thing came into my mind when i woke up every morning and the last thing when i'm going to sleep.
i hate it coz i never stop thinking about u every second.
i hate u for making me missing u.
i hate it so much than u can ever imagine.
but still, above all this, u r the one who makes my life once feel completed.
thanks for all the memories, those short but meaningful moments we had together.
i guess it's really time to say "good bye", and no more "see u later."
remember darl, i let u go because i am so deeply in love with u.
people might not understand this, but as long as we know what the truth really is, nothing else matter.
take good care. i love u.

exam~fun~sad

i hate staying up late till morning to study but this is what i have been doing for the past 7 years ago. my head is really "tepu" already with all that organic chemistry, food technology, water supplement, microbiology and whatsoever. ahh! sometimes i really feel that i can't do it and feel like wanna give up, coz it so damn hard for me (imagine those who take medic course, i think i'll die faster if i'm one of them). maybe it's not so hard, but, but, but, i'm a last minute person. shit shit shit when i am going to change.

just now, am having fun with my buddies, we went to screamed our lungs out (whatever this mean), actually we went to karaoke ----> more like kbox, but it's a room with comfortable couch but the worst thing is no liquor and can't smoking. ha ha ha! uh! after all we were having fun, at least.

am currently deactivated my facebook account.
i hope that person happy.
later on when i get to see ur profile again, i'll block u my dear.
u'r sux my "baby boo".

omgwtfbbq my english is really terrible, horrible and vegetable!

~Only Love~

It's a cold February night. People are bustling through the streets, either pulling up their coat collars or wrapping scarves around their necks, trying to stay warm.

It's so cold today.I'm standing at my window, looking at the people moving like little dots. Standing in a heated room, I'm beginning to pity those people. Why don't they go home? Do they plan on wandering until morning?

"Almost time to go home! My boyfriend must be going crazy." One of the nurses breathe a sign of relief. "Still needs to work overtime on Valentine's Day. It's so unfair!"

"You are fortunate." Another nurse says. "Some people don't have anyone waiting for them."

"You mean Dr. Shu?"
Like Sherlock Holmes, my ears perk up when I hear my name.
"Do you remember how she lost control on this day last year?"
"Of course I do." A nurse shudders. "I've never seen Dr. Shu like that. Crying and yelling, like she was crazy."
They are talking about how I was last year. They are correct. I was out of control, like they said.
"You can't blame Dr. Shu. If my boyfriend died in front of my eyes, I would probably go crazy as well."
"Keep it down. She hasn't left work yet. She might hear you."
The two nurses are too late. I heard the entire conversation through the canvas wall.
"Dr. Shu, what are you doing standing here?"

Just as I was deciding whether or not to reveal myself, another nurse exposed me. I awkwardly step out. The 2 nurses who discussed me start to blush. Their faces became redder than the bow on Valentine's Day chocolates.

"I'm waiting to go home." I pretend that I didn't hear anything.
"Dr. Shu, you must have gotten too involved in your work. It's already past time to go home. See you tomorrow. Happy Valentine's Day!" She waves goodbye.

"Happy Valentine's Day." I wave back and watch the 2 nurses hurry away.

That's fine. I was ready to go home anyway. Even though no lover is waiting
for me, at least there's a lazy cat waiting for me to feed.

After I come home, the first thing I do is feed the cat. I forgot when I first had the cat. Probably since last year's Valentine's Day. At that time, I was like an abandoned cat, with eyes filled with despair. Cats don't cry, I do. That's the only difference.

"Better drink all the milk or I'll skin you." I threatened the cat. Her name is Christine, my least favorite English name. I don't know why I named the cat Christine. Christine meowed once to let me know she heard me, but her eyes are complaining about my severity. Her eyes remind me of someone I used to know, standing in front of me with eyes of rebellions.

An year ago today, I had lunch with my boyfriend and took the opportunity to complain to him.

"Today is Valentine's Day. Why didn't you give me any flowers?"

He raised his eyebrow. "Why should I give you flowers? You are not my anyone."

"Then... you should at least give me a card!" I pouted my lips, hurt by his tone.

"I know, I know. After lunch, I'll send you an e-card."

E-card. That sounds so impersonal, but that's the way he is. "You have to e-mail it to me. I'll be waiting." I excitedly smiled and planned to sneak home after lunch to check e-mail. Even though he wouldn't use any romantic words, I still looked forward to the card.

"I can't stand you women. Why do you make such a big deal out of Valentine's Day??" He grumbled while eating his food. His comment induced me to fight with him again.

"You are not romantic at all!! Don't you watch any Japanese drama?"

"Japanese drama? I only watch Discovery Channel."

"Your life is so boring." I made a face at him. "One recent drama was really good. You should have watched it."

"What's that drama called?" He didn't believe in the love portrayed in TV and movies. He always thought they were lies.

"It's called 'Story of A Century'." I gladly answered.

"What kind of trashy plot did it have?"

"What do you mean trash?? Show some respect!" I was so angry. "That drama was very touching, and the theme song was beautiful as well. It's called 'Only Love', performed by Nana Mouskouri." I wonder if he knew who Nana was.

"Nana, I know her. A Greek singer with really expensive albums."

"Her voice is worth it." Even though I secretly agreed with him, I couldn't bring myself to admit it.

"Whatever." He glanced at his watch. "I'll give you 5 minutes to tell me the plot. After that, I'm leaving."

I tried hard to explain 6 hours worth of story in just 5 minutes. The drama portrayed the love stories of 3 generations of women spanning 100 years, from 1901 to 2000. Each generation was portrayed by the same actress. The story was tear-jerking.

"What's so touching about it?" He asked, after listening to the story.

"Don't you think each generation's story is wonderful? If I have such great screen writing ability, I wouldn't be a doctor anymore. I would become a screenwriter."

"If you become a screenwriter, I bet no one would watch the show. The TV station can go out of business." He quickly interjected.

"I'm going back to work. Hurry and send me the card!" I was so mad that I went home immediately, not even finishing my coffee.

As soon as I walked in my door, I turned on my computer and go online.

Staring at the empty in-box, I began to reminisce about how we met. Maybe no one will believe me, but my boyfriend and I were actually neighbors. Our homes were only 1 wall away. Ever since we were kids, we liked to fight with each other all day long. I still remember when I moved to the country that year. Used to the city life, I couldn't get used to the simple life in the country. After school, I would just go home and do nothing. Whenever that happened, he would always come over to tease me.

"Why are you staring off into space??" He loved to pull on my hair. "You're so ugly when you're doing nothing. But you're also not pretty when you smile." In other words, I'm really ugly.

"You're the one who's ugly!" I pull back my hair. "If you think I'm so ugly, why do you visit me??"

"Can't help it. My home is right next to your home." He argued.

"Then I'll move!" The next day, I drew a line in the ground using some white chalk. A line that I forbid him to cross.

That year, we were both in the 5th grade. We couldn't stand each other and hoped the other would move away. But 5 years passed, and neither of us moved. Not only that, we got into the same high school and into the same class.

"You're that infamous couple." All the students and teachers in the school would say whenever they saw us.

"We're not!" I always tried to explain. "We're only neighbors." At that time, I hated my parents for making us live next to him.
"My standard is not that low." He would say. "Who wants her to be a girlfriend?? It's not like I don't have eyes."

"Yes, I know your eyes are on top of your head." I really disliked him. "Better than having eyes on the bottom of my head like you." He implied that I couldn't judge guys. At that time, I had a crush on a senior.

I didn't think that his sarcasm had a hidden meaning. After a while, I found out that the senior student had lots of girlfriends. When I cried about it, he silently passed me a handkerchief and awkwardly held me in his arms.

"I told you he wasn't any good." He roughly comforted me. I cried in his arms the whole night, and began to see him in a different way. Things began to change between us. We still fought all the time, but he started to look at me differently. And I blushed and my heart beat faster when he was near. We both knew: we fell in love with each other.

Even with this knowledge, neither of us said anything. Even though we would
not be able to resist and kissed each other constantly. Even though we cared about each other's every moves. Both of us refused to admit our love.

Time flew by quickly, and it was time to face separation. I chose to study medicine, and he chose physics. Yet we still couldn't separate from each other. Our parents worried that we didn't know anyone in Taipei, so they forced us to live in the same apartment building. Once again, we became neighbors. We still fought, but sometimes we fought into the bedroom. Alright, we became lovers, but we still wouldn't say we loved each other. We didn't even spend Valentine's Day together until he saw me share dinner with a man one Valentine's Day. That night, he waited for me in front of my door and said that he would take me out to dinner on Valentine's Day from then on. I have to say that he was very arrogant. But I nodded and accepted his request. Since then, we spent every Valentine's Day together. After graduation, I became an intern. He started a small computer company with some friends and became a programmer. We were busy with our own lives and had no time for a relationship. Three years later, I became a doctor, and his business began to boom. We separately moved to bigger
apartments and stopped being neighbors. On the surface, we left each other. In reality, we were still together. We spent every Valentine's Day together but each year became more dreary than the next because he never told me he loved me even with all my hints.

Facing the empty in-box, I suddenly grew very angry. He wouldn't say it and wouldn't send me a card. What did he mean? Who did he think I was? I called his cell phone.

"Hello." He picked up the phone.

"I didn't receive the card." I immediately showed my displeasure.

"You didn't receive it?" He seemed really busy. "But I sent it."

He was really busy but I didn't care. "I didn't receive it. Send it again."

"Okay, I'll send you 100 times. Is that good enough??" He said with impatience. His tone further infuriated me. Is that how lovers speak to each other?

"Don't bother sending it to me. And you don't have to pick me up tonight.

I'll eat dinner by myself."

"Don't be childish, ok? I'm really busy."

"I AM childish!" I hung up the phone and tears rolled down my cheeks.

Childish?? Why didn't he consider the situation? We've gone out for so many years and spent countless Valentine's Day together. I never received any flowers nor cards from him. Now, I just want a little e-card. Is that too much to ask for??

I unplugged the phone from the wall and turned off my cell phone. I didn't want to hear his explanations. After I returned to the hospital, I instructed the receptionist not to forward me any phone calls. I wanted to concentrate on work.

Because there were so many emergencies today, I was sweating 1 hour later and forgot about our argument.

"Dr. Shu, please take a look at that patient."

As I was collecting my equipment, the shrill sound of an ambulance sounded outside the ER. When I stepped out the door, the emergency medics hurriedly wheeled in a gurney.

"What happened to him?" I asked the 1st medic. Everyone else were trying to help put the patient on the gurney. He was covered with blood.

"Car accident." The medic replied. "Very serious. He may die."

I nodded and ran to the operating room with them. When I arrived, the nurses told me that the man had already stopped breathing and also his heartbeat also stopped

"Prepare for shock." I calmly instructed the nurses. Saving people is our duty. We can't lose our calm.

But when I saw who laid on the operating table, I lost my calm. That person was my boyfriend!

"No..." I stood in shock. "NO!!!" I grabbed the paddles and continuously shocked his body. His body bounced up and down from the shocks. The scared nurses went to find another doctor, to tell him that I was crazy.

I didn't know if I was crazy or not. I just wanted to save my lover. Even though we fought all the time. Even though he never showed me his love. I still wanted to save him. He still owed me a card. He couldn't die! I threw away the paddles and began to press on his heart. I pressed with all my strength, hoping it would revive him, but he didn't wake up. He didn't even say "It hurts". He just laid there with his eyes closed, punishing me with his silence.

Dr. Jian angrily pushed me away. By that time, I couldn't see clearly anymore. I cried. I wailed. I bowled until no sounds could come out of my mouth.

"It's too late, Dr. Shu. He's already dead. I'm sorry." Dr. Jian patted me on the shoulder. They knew each other and ate together once. I introduced them.

"He can't die." I shook my head. "He can't die!!" I struggled to run to him.

"Dr. Shu, control yourself!" Dr. Jian slapped me. "I understand what you're going through, but you're a doctor."

Yes, I'm a doctor, but I'm also a regular person. How can Dr. Jian understand how I feel? I've loved him for so many years that it's become a habit. How can I just throw away a habit? Besides, he still owed me a card. "I want him to live! I want him to live!" I ran to him again and tried to knock the life back into his body.

"Take her away!" That day, I lost my control and my professionalism.

And that day happened to be Valentine's Day.

Afterwards, I asked his co-workers why he left work early that day.

They told me that after I hung up the phone, he tried to call me several times but couldn't reach me. Worried, he drove to the hospital to find me and got hit by a large truck on the way.

When I heard this, I froze. My tantrum killed him. Just because of an unmailed card, he died. After that, I lost my privilege to be childish.

Like an abandoned cat, I couldn't even cry anymore. After his death, I couldn't cry anymore, regardless of how touching the plot or how tear-jerking the dialogue. They didn't affect me anymore.

Now, I'm only left with a cat and a seldomly used computer. Stepping over the cat, I turned on the computer. Even though I know no one will send me a mail, I still hoped that someone will remember me on this day.

Meow, meow. I looked at Christine to see what's wrong. She finished her milk. I went into the kitchen to get her more milk then came back to look at the computer screen.

I have.... 100 emails! Who would be bored enough to send me 100 junk mail?

I was just about to delete them all when I received another mail, and this one said: "Because of system error, we could not send these until today.

We apologize for the delay." The sender was my ISP.

I looked at the 1st mail. It showed the send date is last year's Valentine's Day. My heart began to beat fast. Could he have sent these?

With a trembling hand, I opened the mail. The first thing that popped up was a gorgeous red rose set against green leaves. Then a beautiful melody began to play.... "Only Love". I couldn't believe it. The rose was so beautiful and the music was so dreamy. I almost thought I was in a fantasy. Most touching of all were the words underneath the rose, because the words read like a beautiful poem.

"Hwei."

That's my name.

"Knowing you so many years, I've never sent you any flowers. Today I send you a rose."

I received it and it's so beautiful.

"You know we are always fighting. We can never really open our hearts and tell each other how we feel."

Yes, but it's all your fault for being so distant.

"I know I always make you mad by the things I say."

Good that you're admitting it.

"But today I want to say to you: I'm sorry, and I love you."

I waited so many years for those words.

"And I want to tell you a good news. I finally saved enough money."

You already have enough money. Why did you need so much?

"So Hwei, let's get married!! I was afraid to propose to you, because I didn't trust in my ability to give you the good life you deserve. But now I've saved enough money so we don't have to wait anymore."

Who wanted you to wait? I'm already yours.
"Today, I use this card to propose to you. Will you marry me, Hwei? Will you?"

That's the content of the whole card. Like a fool, I kept reading his words and talking to him. It's like I can hear his voice and see him again.

As if it's back to 1 year ago with us constantly fighting.

The song played over and over. Repeating Nana's heartbreaking voice.

Only love can make a memory. Only love can make a moment last. You were there and all the world was young and all it's songs unsung. and I remember you then when love was all, all you were living for,
and how you gave that love to me...."

The lyrics of this song fits our love so closely. When he was alive, my world was so young. Every day, I could find a something different to fight with him about. But after he left, my life is only left with memories and coldness that will never go away.

"Will you marry me?"

When I read these words, my tears unconsciously came, wetting the keyboard.

Will I? If he's in front of me, I will definitely kick him and call him a big fool. If I wasn't willing, I wouldn't have waited until today.

So I moved the cursor over the "Reply" box, and typed the response that I've already prepared for so many years - "I will."

I will - be by his side for the rest of my life. I will - fight with him forever. That is how I answered him, but the only response I got was the repeating song "Only Love."

Nevertheless, I opened every single letter, accepted every singled rose, and typed the same response: "I will."

I replied 100 times, and "Only Love" played 100 times. In this cold Valentine's night, the line that's been broken for 1 year finally got reconnected.

I answered you. What about you?

i'm glad 4 u.

am checking my fb just now.

guess what?

his status: in a relationship

and i click on "Like".

i still care

there's nothing much to be updated. am currently fixing and updating my background and whatsoever coz it looks dull and terrible. i went to church yesterday, and had my confession. wao. guess am a free sinner right now. just kidding. by the way, while am in church, i prayed to God that He will help me to fix my broken relationship with a friend of mine, whom i miss so much. we used to best friends, we used to be sisters but now, nothing is the same like before. everything's change. her attitude towards me make me feels like have-i-done-something-bitchy and i feel uncomfortable. yaikss...i am thinking do i really need a friend like this? but i really miss the times that we've spent together. my my my... i can't afford to lose this friend. no. not her. we used to take care of each other since high school, and maybe not everyone likes our friendship. stupid, stupid and behind the time of moron's people. whatever it is, i pray to God that someday she will accept me as her friend again. =)

i'm missing u~~~~~

You made me cry...

You tore me apart..

You left me in tears..

You've shattered my heart..



It wasn't your fault..

I guess it was me..

for love can't be forced..

Perhaps we weren't meant to be..



It still doesn't help..

now that i know..

Because for some reason..

my heart won't let go..



I've tried more than once..

to get over you..

but you make it so hard..

with cute things you do..



I thought love was joy..

but i've got nothing to gain..

just sorrows..,tears..

and a little more pain..



The day the pain started ..

reality came too..

It was the day i realized ..



I'LL NEVER BE WITH YOU.

~A Boy's Love~

A good reminder: "Take time to appreciate what you have now." --Dont miss reading this one

On the last day before Christmas, I hurried to go to the supermarket to buy the
remaining of the gift I didn't manage to buy earlier.

When I saw all the people there, I started to complain tomyself,"It is going to take forever here and I still have so many other places to go.
Christmas really is getting more and more annoying every year.How I wish I could just lie down, go to sleep and only wake up after it..."

Nonetheless, I made my way to the toy section, and there I started to curse the prices, wondering if after all kids really pla ywith such expensive toys.

While looking in the toy section, I noticed a small boy of about 5 years old, pressing a doll against his chest. He kept on touching the hair of the doll and looked so sad. I wondered who was this doll for. Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him, "Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?"

The old lady replied, "You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear."

Then she asked him to stay here for 5 minutes while she went to look around. She left quickly. The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand.

Finally, I started to walk toward him and I asked him who did he want to give this doll to.
"It is the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for this Christmas. She was so sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her."

I replied to him that may be Santa Claus will bring it to her, after all, and not to worry. But he replied to me sadly.

"No, Santa Claus can not bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mother so that she can give it to her when she goes there."

His eyes were so sad while saying this.

"My sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mummy will also go to see God very soon, so I thought that she could bring the doll with her to give it to my sister."
My heart nearly stopped. The little boy looked up at me and said, "I told daddy to tell mummy not to go yet. I asked him to wait until I come back from the supermarket."

Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me, "I also want mummy to take this photo with her so that she will not forget me."

I love my mummy and I wish she doesn't have to leave me but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister."

Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.I quickly reached
for my wallet and took a few notes and said to the boy, "What if we checked
again, just in case if you have enough money?"

"Ok," he said. "I hope that I have enough."

I added some of my money to his without him seeing and we started to count it.
There was enough for the doll, and even some spare money.

The little boy said, "Thank you God for giving me enough money."

Then he looked at me and added,
"I asked yesterday before I slept for God to
make sure I have enough money to buy this doll so that mummy can give it to my sister. He heard me."
"I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mummy, but I didn't dare to ask God too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and the white rose."

"You know, my mummy loves white rose."

A few minutes later, the old lady came again and I left with my trolley. I
finished my shopping in a totally
different state from when I started. I couldn't get the little boy out of my
mind.

Then I remembered a local newspaper article 2 days ago, which mentioned of a drunk man in a truck who hit a car where there was one young lady and a little girl. The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-assisting machine, because the young lady would not be able to get out of the coma.

Was this the family of the little boy?

Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the newspaper that the young lady had passed away.I couldn't stop myself and went to buy a bunch of white roses and I went to the mortuary where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wish before burial.

She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rosein her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest. I left the place crying, feeling that my life had been changed forever. The love that this little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to that day, hard to imagine. And in a fraction of a second, a drunk man had taken all this away from him.

~a friend that will always be remembered~

i just read one of my friend's blog. and it's making me sad for a moment. coz i'm also miss the same person. even though i know him not for long, but the moments we spent almost a year (well maybe we rarely seeing each other because of our different time of classes but we always have lunch together especially on friday) make me really felt the empty space that he left. when i first know he was in a critical condition, i was informed by my cousin. and i said to myself "He is strong. he could make it. i believe he will." and so, i didn't expect anything bad will happen that day. i was sitting for my exam that night, when one of my friend called me. i couldn't reach for my phone. and i just thought maybe this friend misses me. not long, i received a message, saying that he's already gone to see God. i couldn't believe my eyes. my heart was pounding so hard, i can heard its beating, and i almost faint. God... i'm blaming God that time, i wish this was just a dream. i slap my face over and over again and said this is not real. i didn't score well in my exam that night, but i didn't blame him. i was crying through the night, thinking of how God can took someone's life without telling us first?? maybe i'm a bit crazy that time, i know i'm not supposed to think like that. huhu... imagine how his families, childhood's friends, ex classmates and whom know him for a long time, my sadness cannot be compared to them. if i'm already felt like this, then how about them? i wish i could talk to him longer if i knew this would happen. the last time i heard his voice was on the last June of 2009, he called me and happily told me he got into U. but nobody wants this. nobody expects this. it's just one of God's plan. idk what is His plan, but i'm pretty sure right now that He knows what He's been doing. i shouldn't even questioned His mighty power. i can't. we will always remember him. guys, don't worry. he's having a better life up there right now.

(p/s: i will learn some more tricks to show u later.:D)